It is with obvious regret and sadness that I have to announce the appalling news that JLS will be breaking up. I would also like to ask is that first sentence true? Well technically the bit about JLS breaking up was, but the obvious regret and sadness was in fact complete bollocks. My only sadness is that this didn’t happen so much sooner. How did we manage to give these useless pop muppets the oxygen of publicity for nearly five years! They arrived via a TV show which is less tasteful than the sulphur discharge from Satan‘s hemorrhoids; that’ll be the X Factor. They didn’t even finish first, that was the equally short on talent Alexandra Burke.
In five years they have clearly wrung their teenage audience dry (well technically they have drained the coffers of the parents of their teenage audience); four albums and five UK number one singles? What has the world come to? As if Westlife were not bad enough these boys have taken the worst of them and added a dance beat and more stage dancing. so goodbye to Oritse Williams, Marvin Humes, J.B. Gill and Aston Merrygold. I would love to say I’ll miss you, but that would be a lie. But I guess the ensuing solo albums might be so bad that they’ll be good for a laugh. One will do an album of German oompah style covers of the Dead Kennedy’s back catalogue, another will spit out a concept album about how My Little Pony‘s are made and the other two will collaborate on a re-recording of everything JLS have ever recorded using only flatulence and water! But obviously being the superstars that they are they couldn’t just break up and go away, they have to do the obligatory farewell tour, which has been very imaginatively titled ‘Goodbye; The Greatest Hits Tour’ which as you have probably guessed will be in support of the album ‘Goodbye: The Greatest Hits’. So clearly not a cynical cash in is it? Then there will be the reunion tour in 2023 to look forward to.
Finally and just to add a degree of balance I have included a video of one of their UK number ones just in case any of their obviously distraught fans has arrived here by mistake!