WRITTEN BY BUFFY FROBISHER SMYTHE ESQ.
Hello, again it’s me, Buffy Frobisher Smythe Esquire – Butcher Of Rock Deities. Finally, I have been freed from my dungeon, by Billy Mayhem, to butcher and burn another of rock music’s sacred cows after my fearful barbecuing of the Beatles just over a year ago. Mayhem only released me after I agreed to this new assignment, he wants me to butcher and burn a rather poor Beatles tribute act from Burnage. I mean come on, Oasis are hardly sacred cows, are they? More like sacred cow pats! They produced skimmed milk music when everyone else put out full-cream Jersey milk music. So many fans of these so-called “Brit Pop heavyweights” (don’t make me laugh) say that their first two albums, ‘Definitely Maybe’ and ‘(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?’ are great. But are they really? I suppose that compared to the substandard shite they followed they are probably the greatest two Oasis albums, but the competition wasn’t very strong.
If they hadn’t had regular rucks at gigs and on ferries, the Gallagher brothers would probably only be featured in those “Where are they now” magazine articles these days. But they are not, their fans ever them as deities. Oi, you with the bucket hat, God doesn’t exist, and if she did, she wouldn’t be Oasis! Noel’s best songs were all rip-offs from the Beatles, and let’s face it that scouse beat band was shite too. Even the name Oasis is so fucking dull, imagine being named after a leisure centre in Swindon. Between 1994 and 2008 Oasis had seven UK number-one albums and 19 UK top 5 singles (including 8 fucking number ones, most of which sounded like huge piles of number 2s), bloody hell bought some crap in that period didn’t they?
Then there was Knebworth in 1996, who did they pay to pull that one off? That must be the first time a poor tribute act has ever headlined that iconic venue, not the last though, Liam Gallagher did it in 2022 with his tribute of a tribute act. They broke up in 2016 and we all gave a huge cheer, ok so maybe not the die-hard fans, but everyone else did, right? Now they have announced a reunion with the comment “The guns have fallen silent. The stars have aligned. The great wait is over. Come see. It will not be televised.” Guns, stars? Seriously give your head a swivel boys. But the good news is that it won’t be on television! Other than Noel and Liam will any other original members of Oasis actually be in the reunited band? I doubt it. Did they do this because they have unfinished musical business? Of course not, they are obviously doing it for the money. Tickets will no doubt cost enough to require a mortgage and all to watch some old bloke in a duffel coat stood at the front of the stage with his hands behind his back. Someone recently posted on Twitter, (we are never calling X you absolute fucking Moron Musk!), about fans of bands with no sense of humour. The top five were 1) Stone Roses, 2) New Order, 3) Oasis, 4) The Smiths and 5) Joy Division. Personally, I think Oasis fans should be number one on the list. Go on Oasis fans, prove to me that you do have a sense of humour! 😉
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