Millions of fans are weeping across the globe at what could lead to the break up of one of the finest bands ever to grace the planet. Yes my friends I am sad to report that Zayn Malik is leaving One Direction!
But am I really sad about this Wand Erection news? Fuck off of course I’m not. Clearly Zayn felt that his place in the band was threatened now that Jeremy Clarkson has no job. Could One Direction be the next step for Jezza Clarkson?
Well today is December 15th and therefore Day 15 in this years advent calendar blog posts. The fifteenth letter of the alphabet is very obviously ‘O’ and today I will being doing something which might surprise many regular readers. Todays entry in the ABC of British bands is One Direction, although I still like to refer to them as Wand Erection.
The band members are Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson. They came to prominence via the X-Factor in 2010 when they finished third in the contest. They all entered the contest as solo artists but didn’t make the cut until Simon Cowell saw the benefit of bringing them together. Matt Cardle won the contest that year while Rebecca Ferguson was in second place.
1D have smashed chart records across the world, notably in the USA where they are the first band ever to have their first four albums reach number one on the Billboard chart. The record of the first three albums hitting the top of the US album chart was held by…… yes you guessed it, One Direction. Surprisingly for a boy band they have had more success in the albums chart than in the singles chart. They have had only three UK number one singles and none in the USA. They have had number one singles in Denmark, Netherlands, New Zealand and Ireland.
They are certainly a manufactured boy band but perhaps not as controlled as the likes of Westlife. There isn’t much in the way of choreographed dance routines and insipid covers of old ballads. Having a watched a bit of footage in preparation for this post they seem to be pretty good live performers (Fuck! Did I really say that?). I thought that their performance of “Steal My Girl” at the BBC Music Awards 2014 was among the better showings on the night.
Did you know that Liam has a strange fear of spoons? Or that Niall is not a big reader and that he once said that the only book that he had ever read was To Kill A Mockingbird? Harry Styles apparently wanted to be a lawyer before the bands X-Factor success. Rather fittingly for these advent calendar posts Louis was born on Christmas Eve. Zayn has a tattoo in arabic on his collar bone, the English translation is ‘be true to who you are’ OK that’s enough from me now feel free to enjoy a selection of Wand Erection’s finest.
The Brits has kicked off well with a storming “R U Mine” from those Sheffield scallywags the Arctic Monkeys. Will it all go downhill from here? Let’s find out shall we? Well at least James Corden was finally on fire for the first time hosting this show. Well the sleeve of his jacket was to set up a lame joke about the Arctic Monkey‘s pyrotechnics. Thankfully this will be his last Brits. The British Female Brit award was presented the shortest man in music Prince Rogers Nelson accompanied by his new band. Corden interrupted for a selfie with the purple one. Ellie Goulding won it and given the nominees deservedly so in my opinion. She was somewhat awed by meeting Prince too.
Katy Perry was next on stage and she went a bit Stargate Cleopatra on us. She sang “Dark Horse” from her new album ‘Prism’. I presume it’s not a George Harrison tribute. Kylie and Pharrell Williams presented the International Male solo Artist award after more inane and unfunny shite from Corden. It was won by Bruno Mars; personally I expected it to go to Justin Timberlake although I would have voted for Eminem.
Tinie Tempah and Fearne Cotton rocked up to present the British Breakthrough Act Award. It was well won by the rather excellent Bastille. I love the ‘Bad Blood’ album. Sadly Corden was back after that with a dreadful interview with One Direction which included some pathetic jokes about Justin Bieber in prison. Then we were subjected to Bruno Mars with “Treasure”. But to be fair I judged him too soon, that was a good performance. Really classy modern R & B.
Next up a welcome return from Lily Allen to present the award for Best British Group. Thank fuck it wasn’t won by Wand Erection. It went to a proper band instead. The marvellous Arctic Monkeys. The previously known winner of the newcomer award was the understated but talented Sam Smith.
Now we have the Global Success Award presented by Rosie double-barreled surname. Who the fuck is she? Was this Award manufactured for the ultimate manufactured band One Direction? Can’t we just sell them to the USA? Is Harry Styles having a wee the most controversial act of this years show? Sadly it probably is. The revolution doesn’t start here!
Beyonce live, now that was bloody good in my opinion. But was she lip syncing “XO”? The nest award was for best British single, presented by Katy Perry. Was she trying an English accent? Won by the fabulous Rudimental which thankfully beat Olly Murs and Wand Erection.
The first collaboration of this years show was Disclosure and Lorde with a really cool and funky take on Lorde’s “Royals”. Followed by a brilliant live rendition of “White Noise” with Aluna. The International Group award was presented by Cesc Fabregas (WTF?) and Nicole Scherzinger. The winners were Daft Punk. Could it really have been anyone else? The legend that is Nile Rodgers collected the award on their behalf.
Ellie Goulding was next to perform. She did “I Need Your Love” and “Burn”. I loved the massed percussion during “Burn”. I have really grown to like Ellie’s music. Noel Gallagher was there to present the best male solo artist award. Let’s hope he has a new album out soon. Fuck me Bowie’s only gone and won it! Kate Moss accepted it on Bowie’s behalf at his personal behest. A brilliant speech written by the Dame too. This has made my night!
Nick Grimshaw that bloke from Radio One who is moderately more talented than Chris Moyles stepped up to present the International Female solo artist award. Lorde was the winner and a bloody good choice too. Bowie is a Lorde fan. Then we had yet another shite interview by Corden with Nile Rodgers and Pharrell Williams. The British Video award was voted for live on Twitter during the show and was presented by Jimmy Carr. Sadly it was won by Wand Erection with “Best Song Ever”, but it isn’t is it?
Rudimental and Bastille combined on stage to become Bastimental for the night. It certainly made up for a second 1D award for the night. Blimey just how sexy is Ella Eyre? Now we are onto the final award of the night, it’s the one that everyone wants. It’s best album and it was presented by Emilie Sande. It went to the Arctic Monkeys. It is a great album, but I was hoping for a second Brit of the night for David Robert Jones. But well done to Alex and the boys, although their acceptance speech was largely bollocks wasn’t it?
The show was closed by Pharrell Williams and Nile Rodgers. What a barnstorming performance from two music masters. “Get Lucky”, “Good Times”, “Happy” the hits just kept coming. Overall I think this years show was an improvement on last year. Some marks out of ten from me; James Corden 1/10, Bowie winning a Brit 10/10 and for the overall show 5/10 could do better.
I don’t often issue public health warnings on this blog, in fact this may be the first one that I have ever done. I need to make you aware that something which could severely damage your ears and your hearing will be happening in November. Those with little taste will be most susceptible to damage and there will be millions who are already beyond help. It is with great regret that I announce the release date of the new Wand Erection album. It will be called ‘Midnight Memories’; if only the band were just memories. It will be followed with a stadium tour in 2014 including 5 dates in the UK.
In other 1D news Aston Villa and England’s Gabby Agbonlahor has received death threats via Twitter from a number of One Direction fans. What dastardly deed did Gabby undertake? He tackled 1D’s Louis Tomlinson in a charity football match and injured the poor little lamb. It shouldn’t have surprised Tomlinson too much, he is after all actually on the books of a UK football club. He is a development player allocated squad number 28 for Doncaster Rovers in the 2013/ 14 season.
Given that some pathetic internet trolls have previously targeted members of the band with vile and abusive posts I find it somewhat unsavoury and sadly ironic that many of One Direction’s less intelligent fans are resorting to exactly the same bullying kind of language. My advice to those poor deluded souls is to chill out and laugh it off. Gabby has already apologised for upsetting poor little Louis. There are far, far worse things going on in the world. I wish no harm to the members of Wand Erection, although as a music fan I do hope that their career doesn’t last too much longer. Oops…… maybe I just made myself a target! :-0
Of course don’t forget that the One Direction film is now showing at cinemas. It’s called ‘This Is Us’, which is an anagram of ‘Us Is Shit’!
The current UK number one, which has now been at the top for two weeks is “Wake Me Up” by Swedish DJ Avicii. It was co written with Mike Einziger off of Incubus. A rather odd and unexpected pairing methinks. Vocals are provided by Aloe Blacc of “I Need A Dollar” fame.
It is a mix of bluegrass with dance beats and is now the fastest selling single in the UK so far this year. It is selling twice as many copies as this weeks highest new entry at number two. So the fact that it is holding back One Direction‘s rather arrogantly titled “Best Song Ever”. That must be seen as a bit of a disappointing failure for Wand Erection surely? I hope so anyway!
Those lovable urchins One Direction (a.k.a. Wand Erection) have come up with a new wizard wheeze to keep them in the public eye for as long as they can; well at least their management have. they now intend to compete with many female artists not in the charts, not on arena stages but in the nostrils of their fans. Just like J-Lo, Beyoncé, Lady Gaga and many others they have launched their own perfume! It is called ‘Our Moment’ and in my opinion is the serious milking of the 1D cash cow. It apparently mixes a number of scents into a kind of ‘fruity florals’ smell. What the fuck is that all about? They’re young men; surely it should smell of pheromones, sweaty armpits, beer, fags, kebabs, burgers, Nandos and stale farts? I suppose that if nothing else it does support the notion that the polished turd that is One Direction really does stink!
With Just A Hint Of Mayhem 