I’m sure that you couldn’t make this up could you? Anyway the Merchant Navy are using Britney Spears’ music to deter Somali sea Pirates. If the pirates fail to heed the warnings from security on board merchant ships off the African coast and continue to head towards them then Plan B is invoked. Or perhaps that should be Plan Britney. They pump out Britney’s biggest hits at full volume and miraculously the pirates usually turn away.
The pirates supposedly hate western culture and music so the music of Britney is perfect. I suppose that using Bieber, Cheryl Cole or One Direction would be like using the nuclear option on the pirates. How stupid are these half-witted Jack Sparrows though? I mean have they never heard of ear plugs? Or maybe they could counter attack with the Barney the Dinosaur, Teletubbies or Mr Blobby themes. Click here to read the story on the Guardian’s web pages.
I don’t often issue public health warnings on this blog, in fact this may be the first one that I have ever done. I need to make you aware that something which could severely damage your ears and your hearing will be happening in November. Those with little taste will be most susceptible to damage and there will be millions who are already beyond help. It is with great regret that I announce the release date of the new Wand Erection album. It will be called ‘Midnight Memories’; if only the band were just memories. It will be followed with a stadium tour in 2014 including 5 dates in the UK.
In other 1D news Aston Villa and England’s Gabby Agbonlahor has received death threats via Twitter from a number of One Direction fans. What dastardly deed did Gabby undertake? He tackled 1D’s Louis Tomlinson in a charity football match and injured the poor little lamb. It shouldn’t have surprised Tomlinson too much, he is after all actually on the books of a UK football club. He is a development player allocated squad number 28 for Doncaster Rovers in the 2013/ 14 season.
Given that some pathetic internet trolls have previously targeted members of the band with vile and abusive posts I find it somewhat unsavoury and sadly ironic that many of One Direction’s less intelligent fans are resorting to exactly the same bullying kind of language. My advice to those poor deluded souls is to chill out and laugh it off. Gabby has already apologised for upsetting poor little Louis. There are far, far worse things going on in the world. I wish no harm to the members of Wand Erection, although as a music fan I do hope that their career doesn’t last too much longer. Oops…… maybe I just made myself a target! :-0
Of course don’t forget that the One Direction film is now showing at cinemas. It’s called ‘This Is Us’, which is an anagram of ‘Us Is Shit’!
The current UK number one, which has now been at the top for two weeks is “Wake Me Up” by Swedish DJAvicii. It was co written with Mike Einziger off of Incubus. A rather odd and unexpected pairing methinks. Vocals are provided by Aloe Blacc of “I Need A Dollar” fame.
It is a mix of bluegrass with dance beats and is now the fastest selling single in the UK so far this year. It is selling twice as many copies as this weeks highest new entry at number two. So the fact that it is holding back One Direction‘s rather arrogantly titled “Best Song Ever”. That must be seen as a bit of a disappointing failure for Wand Erection surely? I hope so anyway!
Those lovable urchins One Direction (a.k.a. Wand Erection) have come up with a new wizard wheeze to keep them in the public eye for as long as they can; well at least their management have. they now intend to compete with many female artists not in the charts, not on arena stages but in the nostrils of their fans. Just like J-Lo, Beyoncé, Lady Gaga and many others they have launched their own perfume! It is called ‘Our Moment’ and in my opinion is the serious milking of the 1D cash cow. It apparently mixes a number of scents into a kind of ‘fruity florals’ smell. What the fuck is that all about? They’re young men; surely it should smell of pheromones, sweaty armpits, beer, fags, kebabs, burgers, Nandos and stale farts? I suppose that if nothing else it does support the notion that the polished turd that is One Direction really does stink!
One Direction were recently given the honour of having their wax sculpted likenesses made and put on show in Madame Tussauds in London. personally I am really struggling to tell the real Wand Erection from the wax version. I hope that no one makes that mistake when it comes time to melt them down in a couple of years. But hopefully their careers will be on the wane by then so some wax activity will provide the chance to flog some 1D candles made from either the real 1D or their wax counterparts will bring in some much-needed cash for the band and for Dr Evil a.k.a Simon Cowell.
It’s Brits time again and I will be typing live ready to publish later in the evening. It is opened spectacularly by Muse with an incredibly large orchestra and pyrotechnics. Although they were a long way from being Catwoman’s favourite I thought they were superb. It appears that James Corden is over the worst of the tonsilitis and back to present the Brits for the fourth time.
Damien Hirst has designed this years trophies. The first one presented this evening is for the best British female solo artist. It was given by Taylor Swift to the delightful Scot Emilie Sande. A very gracious speech too. Sadly we then switched to an at table interview of One Direction by Mr Corden. I really don’t like Boy Bands. Then to make matters worse Robbie Williams was the next live act. Regular readers will know how little I like him. Whilst “Candy” is not a bad song I dislike Robbie immensely. But the monochrome set and costumes of the dancers was very effective.
Next up it’s Best British group presented by Simon Pegg and a Bond Girl.The winners unsurprisingly were Mumford and Sons. At least it wasn’t One Direction. Some great British pride from the Mumfords too. It was the Best British Breakthrough prize next presented by Grimmy. I was expecting this to go to Jake Bugg Does anyone agree with me that James Corden is not particularly funny? A world exclusive by none other than Justin Timberlake was next to appear. It’s an ok song and whilst he wasn’t bringing sexy back his jacket was bringing shiny back!
Ed Sheerhan presented the best British male award to Ben Howard. Why no nomination for Jake Bugg when that Muppet Olly Murs was in the nominees? Now it’s time for the critics choice award and it goes to Tom O’Dell. Dermot O’Leary and Sharon Osbourne were introduced as man and wife (what a horrible thought) to give the Best International female statuette to Lana Del Ray. One Direction are on stage, will someone please kill me. How flat were some of those notes? A dreadful performance. Do this lot have any personality and stage presence? On this showing I think not. Bring back Blondie.
Coldplay won the Best British live act, strangely they are a band that I’ve not seen live, well not yet anyway. That is their 8th Brit award since they began. Tom Daley and Jonathan Ross (what a strange combination) gave out the best single prize to Adele for “Skyfall”. Sadly she wasn’t there as she is rehearsing for the Oscars. Thank god James Arthur or Olly Murs didn’t win!
Taylor Swift dressed as a wedding cake to perform between two braziers. Unlike Wand Erection though she can really sing. Losing that dress for the hot pants was a good move. Best International group was presented by a true rock god Dave Grohl. The award went to the fabulous Black Keys who sadly weren’t there, very worthy winners in my opinion. After winning two prizes so far Ben Howard was on stage to perform “It’s Only Love” which let’s be fair is a beautiful if somewhat sleep inducing song.
A brief interview with Mercury Prize winners Alt J by Mr Corden came up next. Now we have the best International male. Frank Ocean won it, what a damned good choice! The War Child charity won a new special recognition award. This is truly a great charity, a well deserved prize. Collected by Ben Knowles from Warchild and Damon Albarn. Mumford took to the stage for “I Will Wait” I saw them at the Reading Festival in 2011. They were bloody good, but I feel they peaked very early and that their second album was nowhere near as good as the first. I’m sure I won’t be the first to say that Mumford have become a bit dull will I?
None other than Byron Ferrari was on hand to present the Best British album gong to Emilie Sande for ‘Our Version Of Events’. Personally I love her voice, but I imagine she is a bit Marmite in that you either love her or hate her. Yet another Global Success Award was presented by Robbie Williams to One Direction; oh joy, two of my least favourite acts ever! What the fuck? Was this award invented just so that Wand Erection didn’t sob all over their school books? I bet that arsehole Simon Cowell was behind that! Emilie Sande closed the show and yes she was good. But that Global Success award to One Direction has left a bad taste in my mouth. In fact it has turned a relatively dull Brits into something quite shit! Can we have some proper rock n roll edgeiness back next year please? Preferably a bit more edgy than Sharon Osbourne mentioning Harry Styles’ willy!
I think I am seriously ill, I must be, otherwise why would I like this years official single recorded for Comic Relief? It’s a great cover version of Blondie’s “One Way Or Another” with a few lines of the Undertones‘ “Teenage Kicks” thrown in for free. Why would liking this make me think I am seriously ill I can hear you shout. “WHY DOES LIKING THIS COVER OF BLONDIE’S ONE WAY OR ANOTHER MAKE YOU THINK YOU’RE SERIOUSLY ILL?” (that was you shouting by the way).
Good advice from Debbie for when you have a Wand Erection
Well I am sad to say that the act that has covered it is none other than those X Factor Pop Muppets One Direction or Wand Erection as I now prefer to call them. Their version doesn’t come close to surpassing the original, but it is far better than I would have expected and more importantly it is for a good cause. Click here to make your donation for Red Nose Day 2013. It is released on Sunday 17th February and they will be performing it at the Brits this Wednesday. Enjoy both versions of the song while I go and lie down for a restful nap and hopefully to recover from this abominable blight on my previously great music taste!
After continuing to pile on the sales throughout 2012 Adele’s ’21’ album, which was already the biggest selling long player of the new century, has now moved above Oasis’ ‘(What’s The Story) Morning Glory?‘ to reach number 4 in the best-selling UK albums of all time. It is also the second best-selling album in 2012 after Emeli Sande‘s ‘Our Version Of Events’. If it continues to sell at the same rate it is likely to become the 2nd best-selling UK album ever by this time next year. Not bad for an album that was only released in 2011 is it? Incidentally the best-selling UK album currently is Queen‘s ‘Greatest Hits‘.
At the same time as this excellent news, it has also been revealed that Adele’s ’21’ is the most returned and exchanged Christmas gift this year. Presumably because almost everyone in the country already has it. This is based on figures provided by the Music Magpie site. Emeli Sande was in second place with One Direction‘s (or Wand Erection as I like to call them) ‘Up All Night’ in third place. What album’s have you exchanged and why?
The chart topping double was always seen as a great achievement when I was a teenager. I seem to recall Rod Stewart taking it a step further by having the number one single and album in both the UK and the USA at one point. Has that ever been done since? I’m not sure. Anyway the singles and album chart double is back with a bang in the UK. Last week Robbie Williams hit the top of the singles chart with a song that reluctantly I have to admit to liking; “Candy”. He then doubled up by sitting on the album chart peak with his new album ‘Take The Crown‘.
Robbie when he was still on the throne
He may have taken the crown but his time on the throne was short-lived, the single is down to number six and the album to number five. But a new pretender has taken the throne, sadly it’s One Direction or Wand erection as an acquaintance of mine called them. Are the charts as important now after 60 years of existence. I think they are and I am bloody disappointed that this band of five pop muppets has achieved this feat. Particularly as it seems to me that only one of them has a halfway decent voice. That’ll be you Harry Styles.
Their album is called ‘Take Me Home’ and I do wish that someone would. The single is called “Little Things” and on another sad note it’s an insipid cover of an Ed Sheeran song. But I guess Ed has to pay the bills. A previous One Direction single “Live While We’re Young” is still in the top 30 at number 26. While their first album ‘Up All Night’ continues to hang around the album chart at number 25. The pensioners are still hanging in there in the album charts though. Rod Stewart is at number two and the Rolling Stones are at number three, albeit with a Christmas album and yet another hits compilation respectively.
So the London 2012 Olympics is over, at least until the Paralympics anyway. I truly believe that this has been an amazing Olympics and for me usurps England winning the 1966 football world cup as our greatest sporting achievement. What do you think? OK I know the Scots won’t agree with that in the first place, but I would still like to hear your thoughts.
I realise that this post comes some 24 hours after the closing ceremony, but given the musical nature of that ceremony I felt I had to post something. The Olympic stadium was once again amazing; decked out to show a London skyline that included the London Eye, Big Ben and the Gherkin to name but a few. It all kicked off with the delicious voice of Emilie Sande accompanied only by a pianist, who was playing a piano covered in newspaper. After that the tempo really took off with forty members of the cast of Stomp dancing, drumming and percussing (is that a word?) on the recreated mini London Eye in the stadium. On top of all this there was a choir singing Beatles songs.
Next up was cellist and Churchill appearing out of the top of Big Ben and reciting words from Shakespeare’s ‘The Tempest’ which was a great link back to the superb Opening ceremony. Obviously it wasn’t really Churchill, it was Timothy Spall. This was followed by newspaper clad crowds depicting the hubbub of London. The whole thing then slowed a little for the arrival of the VIPs; Jacques Rogge (President of the IOC) who seems to make even the dullest accountant I have ever met seem exciting and prince Harry representing the Royal family. Clearly he was never going to match his grandmother’s arrival at the opening ceremony! Obviously this was followed by our rather uninspiring, in my opinion, national anthem.
The whole show was a celebration of Britain and the next vignette was real class. It was the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 countdown by Michael Caine from the ‘Italian Job’ and then the iconic three-wheeled van of Trotter’s Independent Trading blew apart and out jumped, yes you guessed it, Del Boy and Rodney in their Batman and Robin costumes. A sublime moment and a nod to one of Britain’s greatest ever comedy shows; Only Fools And Horses.
The mood then turned very much to party as madness were driven around the arena playing “Our House” from the back of a truck. This tempo was kept up by the Massed Guards Bands with a wonderful rendition of Blur’s “Parklife”. Just when you thought it couldn’t get better the stadium was filled with cyclists wearing the most amazing geometric and fluorescent hats. Two of them on tricycles which had Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe as passengers. So we were treated to a fabulous version of “West Ends Girls” on bicycles and tricycles. Could this happen anywhere but the UK? I doubt it!
One Direction were next, like Madness they were on the back of a truck, which sadly wasn’t headed to the tip. OK I have to begrudgingly admit they were at least in tune, but I still don’t like them. Interestingly they were one of just a few acts whose name was flashed onto the screen when they appeared. After that it was back to another great number from the cast of Stomp. That percussion sounded like “Spice Up Your Life” to me. was that deliberate? Who knows? An incredibly talented dance troupe who I think were called Spelbound were next to take the stage. They performed a great routine to the Beatles Sergeant Pepper classic “A Day In The Life”
To keep up the 60s vibe Kinksmeister Ray Davies came on to sing his timeless and classic love song to London; “Waterloo Sunset”. eliciting some great ‘sha la la-ing’ from the audience in the process. Emilie Sande made a return next, minus the newspaper piano and sang over a film montage of some of London 2012’s most tearful moments. The three hundred or so flag bearers entered the arena after that, including super sailor Ben Ainslie fo Britain. Elbow soundtracked this whole piece with a great little set that included the beautiful “Open Arms”. The athletes followed the arrival of the flag bearers and they were corralled into the sections of the union jack which formed the floor of the stadium. Apparently this version of the flag was designed by Damien Hirst. Indian drummers then accompanied the construction of a large structure made up of more than three hundred white boxes. One to represent each Olympic event. The backing track to this was Kate Bush’s “Running Up That Hill”. I had momentary butterflies while wishing and hoping that Kate might actually appear herself. But alas she didn’t.
Apparently one of the traditions of the closing ceremony is that it contains the last medal presentation. It is for the Mens Marathon which took place earlier in the day and was won by Stephen Kiprotich of Uganda. This was followed by a thank you and recognition for all the volunteers, or Games makers as they were known from all the athletes. This was followed by a spectacular light show to the unmistakable sound of Queen’s mighty “Bohemian Rhapsody” followed by a children’s signing choir singing John Lennon’s “Imagine”. This segued into a film clip of Lennon singing the song himself. Apparently Yoko Ono commissioned a special remaster of the song for the ceremony. At the same time a 3D image of John Lennon’s face was built on stage. This was a prelude to the main musical events.
George Michael took to the stage for his first live performance since his life threatening illness he sang “Freedom 90” his new single “White Light” which is in fact all about his brush with death. He seemed fit and well and on really good form. I’m not sure I like the new facial hair style though, perhaps it will grow on me! Ricky off of the Kaiser Chiefs was driven to the stage as a scooter pillion passenger singing “Pinball Wizard”. I have gone off the Kaisers of late, by I must admit they did a storming version of the Who’s classic. The next part had me positively tingling with anticipation; A series of short film and audio clips of David Bowie. Would he actually appear? Surely not? And surely he didn’t. But his 1980 hit “Fashion” was used as a backdrop to a showcase of British fashion which included a weird march around the stadium from a series of models including Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss.
George couldn’t master Mo Farah’s Mobot so he invented the Georgebot
A huge skeleton of what might have been a viking boat was pulled on stage and the hidden figurehead was none other than Annie Lennox. She performed “Little Bird” which was used on the soundtrack of Coppola’s film version of Bram Stoker’s classic story Dracula. The much rumoured Pink Floyd appearance turned out to be nothing more than Ed Sheerhan, Nick Mason and Mike Rutherford doing the Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” accompanied by a tightrope walker who recreated the Floyd album cover with the flaming man.
Russell Brand arrived on stage in what looked like the Scooby Doo van and he was singing, he’s not a bad singer either. He got out of the van to perform the Beatles’ “I Am The Walrus”. The van begat a giant inflatable octopus from which Fatboy Slim did a brief DJ set featuring his own hits “Right Here Right Now” and “Rockerfeller Skank”. Jessie J then sang “Price Tag” in an open top car she was joined by Tinie Tempah then Taio Cruz with “Dynamite”. All in open top cars. Then all three of them took the stage for a creditable performance of the Bee Gees disco classic “You Should Be Dancing”. As they were performing in front of a drum kit marked up with the name of Beady Eye it was obvious who was going to be on later!
A group of London Black cabs entered stadium and performed a kind of synchronised dance. Then five of them moved to the centre of the arena and were lit up with some spectacular lighting arrays. This wasn’t the best kept secret of the show, but guess who the passengers in these five cabs were? Yes it was Scary, Sporty, Baby, Ginger and Pouty…. oops sorry I mean Posh. It was the return of the Spice Girl. They kicked off with possibly one of the greatest pop singles of the 90s (OK that doesn’t mean you have to like it); “Wannabe”. They followed this with the samba rhythmed “Spice Up Your Life” which they performed while being driven around the stadium atop the cabs that brought them in. As expected after seeing their drum kit earlier Beady Eye were next. Thankfully they didn’t play any of their own stuff, just a cover of “Wonderwall” which seemed to go down really well as a sing along with the crowd. Liam seemed quite nervous to me and is his voice a little rough these days?
ELO’s “Mr Blue Sky” was played as a backdrop for a section pioneering flight. This included flying bikes and a failed human cannonball who just happened to be Monty Python star Eric Idle who led the audience in a marvellous sing-alonga-python version of “Always look On The Bright Side Of Life”. he even made a great comedic attempt to join in with some Bollywood style dancing. This whole piece was perhaps the equivalent of the Mr Bean set in the opening ceremony. It ended with the real and successful firing of a human cannonball.
Matt Bellamy and the boys from Muse were the next to appear and they performed their song “Survival” which was commissioned for the Olympics. It’s good and their performance was excellent as usual but this is a long way from being my favourite Muse song. Interestingly, as some have likened Muse to Queen they were followed by a film clip of Freddie Mercury performing some improv jazz scat and despite being dead for more than twenty years the audience were enraptured and joined in the whole Freddie call and response thing. This proved to be the overture to Brian May’s appearance and it’s fair to say that he’s quite a good guitarist isn’t he? 😉 As the unmistakable riff to “We Will Rock You” began and Brian was joined by Roger Taylor I was briefly worried that Adam Lambert or someone similar might step onto the stage. Thankfully it was Jessie J, and inspired choice in my opinion. She did a great vocal on the song which never tried to emulate the late, great Mr Mercury.
It was then time to return to the formal activities which meant the Greek national anthem followed by a Welsh Male Choir version of the Olympic Anthem. This was sealed with the Brazilian national anthem and a formal handing over of the Olympic flag from London’s Mayor Boris Johnson to the Mayor of Rio De Janeiro via Jacques Rogge. The Brazilians then put on a samba fuelled show to let the world know what to expect in 2016. This culminated in an appearance by one of their greatest sports ambassadors; Pele. Then we had more formal stuff with speeches from Seb Coe and Jacques Rogge. Seb was quite inspiring Jacque was once again the definition of dull in my opinion. The remaining action was the extinguishing of the flame. This began with Take That (thankfully without Robbie) performing the appropriate “Rule The World”. It continued with Darcy Bussell flying in as a Phoenix to join two hundred other ballet dances for an exciting modern ballet.
The petals of the cauldron where the Olympic flame burned were then lowered and were slowly extinguished and at this point I thought that was the end. However there was more to come in the shape of the Who. They were on top form and for a pensioner Roger Daltrey’s vocal power is still damned good. They closed with a rousing version of “My Generation” accompanied by yet another magnificent firework display.
I fell a little deflated after such a brilliant two weeks but so very proud to be British. I truly believe that we really showed the world what we are capable of as a country. Not just in the Olympic events but by how we put on such a brilliant event in itself. In spite of the little hiccups before the start (G4S etc) we really delivered this in style and won a whole treasure box of medals too. So let me take this opportunity to congratulate and thank everyone in Team GB, the organisers, all the other competitors, the BBC, the volunteers/ Games Makers and anyone else who was involved in this remarkable event.
Was this the best Olympics ever? I believe it as. Rio follow that!
Most of the film clips from the ceremony are IOC copyright and therefore difficult to show. So here are two songs that sum things up in a simple way.
With Just A Hint Of Mayhem 